hah. i keep thinking i can do this. unedit myself. but i can't. i keep backspacing, erasing, rewriting. can i really get to the real me? e.e.cummings comes to mind. he didn't even capitalize (then again, maybe he did). proper spacing. am i doing even him right? it's the ongoing conundrum. i like that word. conundrum. how to be real? without being so worried people won't get it? but is that a problem? thinking people should "get it?"
what i'd really like to do is find the unedited version of myself. of everyone. the real in me, the real in you, the real in everyone. it fucking pisses me off that i can't access that more freely. that i can't find that part of myself more easily. that that (that that??) real person inside. is she even there? hello??
just came from an amazing party. a party of friends. a place where i feel welcome and free to be real. this is a big thing. a thing so rarely understood and realized. yet...i'm still not sure where i fit within. the space between. "the space between." isn't that a david matthews lyric? maybe not. i suck at knowing who sang what. but it's a verse that comes to me. maybe i should google that. "the space between."
okay, that took me forever. to add a link to dave matthews "the space between" lyrics. not even sure it worked.
so what did i really hope to impart with this writing? this is the thing... everything we each say in each moment has more of an impact than any of us realize. i was at this party tonite and more than once (another song comes to mind "more than once") someone told me that what i'd said some other time, a few months ago or several years ago, made an impact on them. now i'm not suggesting that what i might say is so important, it's a suggestion that what each and any of us says in any moment might make a difference.
the space between offers so much. it's an infinite place whereby we can learn and be and know more than we ever knew was possible.
how can we judge what another does? how can we know and ascertain what another might have been here to do?
i had an interesting, and long, conversation with a man who was very close to a person who recently chose to leave this plane via suicide. was that a necessary choice? we can't decide. can't judge. but we can agree that what we need to do is pay attention to each present moment. and, i suspect, the people who choose to leave here would suggest we do pay attention, be present, be now.
how to be now? what a question. how to be now? how to be present in a world that suggests an ignorance to things difficult? how to be present with a world that doesn't make any sense? how to be present in a world that seems to be against life and joy?
how to live in this moment?
back to the unedited part. who am i? who are you? who are we? who are we all together? (another bunch of lyrics?) all interesting questions. and where is the unedited part? the part that really speaks? the part that really matters?
damn. it's a whole other bunch of questions i have to add to my to do list.
to be continued again...
